How to Have Difficult Conversations When You Don’t Like Conflict

By Joel Garfinkle

Avoiding or delaying a difficult conversation can hurt your relationships and create other negative outcomes. It may not feel natural at first, especially if you dread discord, but you can learn to dive into these tough talks by reframing your thoughts.

Begin from a place of curiosity and respect, and stop worrying about being liked. Conflict avoiders are often worried about their likability. While it’s natural to want to be liked, that’s not always the most important thing. Lean into the conversation with an open attitude and a genuine desire to learn. Start from a place of curiosity and respect — for both yourself and the other person. Genuine respect and vulnerability typically produce more of the same: mutual respect and shared vulnerability. Even when the subject matter is difficult, conversations can remain mutually supportive. Respect the other person’s point of view, and expect them to respect yours.

Focus on what you’re hearing, not what you’re saying. People who shy away from conflict often spend a huge amount of time mentally rewording their thoughts. Although it might feel like useful preparation, ruminating over what to say can hijack your mind for the entire workday and sometimes even late into the night. And tough conversations rarely go as planned anyway. So take the pressure off yourself. You don’t actually need to talk that much during a difficult conversation. Instead, focus on listening, reflecting, and observing. For example, if a team member has missed another deadline, approach them by asking neutral, supportive questions: “I see the project is behind schedule. Tell me about the challenges you’re facing.” Then listen. Pause. Be interested and proactive. Gather as much detail as possible. Ask follow-up questions without blame.

Your genuine attention and neutrality encourage people to elaborate. For every statement the other person makes, mirror back what they’ve said, to validate that you understand them correctly.

Be direct. Address uncomfortable situations head-on by getting right to the point. Have a frank, respectful discussion where both parties speak frankly about the details of an issue. Talking with people honestly and with respect creates mutually rewarding relationships, even when conversations are difficult.

There are situations, however, where cultural or personality differences should be considered. If your culture is conflict avoidant or doesn’t value directness, you can still engage in challenging conversations. In these cases, shift your approach from overly direct to a respectful, affirming back-and-forth conversation. For instance, if the person you are talking with seems to not be picking up on what you are saying, ask them to repeat their understanding of what you’ve shared. As they reflect back what they’ve heard, you can adjust your message to make sure the conflict is moving toward resolution. This communication style is open and less threatening. 

Don’t put it off. How often is your response to conflict something like, “I don’t want to talk about it” or “It’s not that big a deal” or “It’s not worth arguing about”? If you’re always promising yourself that you’ll “bring it up next time it happens,” well, now’s the time. Instead of putting off a conversation for some ideal future time, when it can be more easily dealt with, tackle it right away. Get your cards on the table so you can resolve the issue and move on.

It might seem risky to come right out and say something, but often that’s just what is needed. Give yourself or your counterpart a little bit of time to cool down, if necessary, and plan the general outline of what you want to convey and the outcome you desire. But then have the conversation, and make a plan to move on. After all the mental gymnastics of endlessly practicing conversations in your head, actually engaging in a two-way conversation can be inspiring, respectful, and productive.

Expect a positive outcome. You’ll struggle to follow this advice if you continue to go into a conflict telling yourself, “This is going to be a disaster.” Instead, tell yourself, “This will result in an improved relationship.”

Focus on the long-term gains that the conversation will create for the relationship. When your attention is focused on positive outcomes and benefits, it will shift your thinking process and inner dialogue to a more constructive place. As a result, you will grow more comfortable approaching the coworker who constantly criticizes and complains, or the subordinate who keeps underperforming.

Don’t ignore the tough situations you are aware of today. When the opportunity presents itself to provide unsolicited negative feedback to a difficult colleague or give a less-than-positive performance evaluation, summon the courage to address the conflict head-on.

Joel Garfinkle is an executive leadership coach and author of Getting Ahead: Three Steps to Take Your Career to the Next Level and Difficult Conversations: Practical Tactics for Crucial Communication. Follow Joel at his FulfillmentATwork newsletter.

7 Steps to Effective Interpersonal Communication

By Career Coach Lei Han

Anyone can master interpersonal communication.  There are few people who are naturally good at it. For most people, it takes conscious effort and practice to master this skill. Here are 7 steps to achieve effective interpersonal communication at work — today!

1. Start with self awareness – Do you know how well you communicate right now? What works and what doesn’t? If you don’t know, gather feedback so you can know your strengths and weaknesses. Use the rest of this list to help with your self-assessment.
2. Always keep the other person in mind–  For any instance of interpersonal communication, plan out your approach ahead of time. Start with the other person in mind — Try your best to put yourself in their shoes and figure out what might be their mindset, sensitivities, and how they may receive your words. Effective interpersonal communication can only happen if you understand where the other person may stand.
3. Determine your desired “win-win” outcome:  The outcome of any conversation must be a “win-win,” as not all outcomes you desire are good for the relationship. For example, you may want to prove that you are right, but that would mean the other person needs to be proven wrong. You may win the argument, but lose the relationship. That’s not a good outcome.
4. Gather the facts:  While facts can’t be the only focus of your conversation, you need the facts to keep the discussion as unbiased as possible. It’s hard to resolve anything if all you have is “he said she said.”
5. Practice a calm approach/tone:  This will require the most time, especially if you are emotional about the situation. You need to calm down first, and then communicate with an open tone. This requires time, since our instinctive reaction is to take a defensive or offensive tone. An open tone can be one that gives the benefit of the doubt, or focuses on “we” instead of “you vs. me.” Your openness and calmness will invite the other people to listen, and your tone will show that you are there to build the relationship.
6. Listen as much as you speak:  Effective interpersonal communication is a two way street.  You should spend 50% of the conversation listening. We are sometimes prepared so much that all we focus on is talking. You can lose the listener quickly that way. Pause after a few sentences so the other party can respond. That way you can adapt your communication based on how they react. Sometimes it takes fewer words than you think to achieve the “win-win” outcome.
7. Don’t expect anything: We cannot control or change anyone else. This is an easy concept that is easy to forget. After all this work we put into structuring an interpersonal communication, there is no guarantee about how the other person will react. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. All you can do is play your part the best you can, accept whatever you get, and adapt your actions from there.

At the end of the day, the key to effective interpersonal communication comes down to practice. We interact with people every day. Some interactions can go well, while others may not. That’s part of the process. As long as you put conscious effort into improving, you will become effective at interpersonal communication over time.

What is Coaching?

As per The International Coach Federation (ICF):

Definition... "Coaching is partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential." 

Role... "Professional coaches provide an ongoing partnership designed to help clients produce fulfilling results in their personal and professional lives. Coaches help people improve their performances and enhance the quality of their lives." 

Preparation and Core Beliefs..."Coaches are trained to listen, to observe and to customize their approach to individual client needs. They seek to elicit solutions and strategies from the client; they believe the client is naturally creative and resourceful. The coach's job is to provide support to enhance the skills, resources, and creativity that the client already has."

As per the Graduate School Alliance for Education in Coaching (GSAEC):

Executive & Organizational Coaching

A Working Definition: ...A development process that builds a leader’s capabilities to achieve professional and organizational goals.

The focus is on leaders who are in a position to make a significant contribution to the mission and purpose of their organization. 

This form of coaching is conducted through one-on-one and group interactions; is driven by evidence, the inclusion of data from multiple perspectives, and is built on a solid foundation of mutual trust and respect. 

The coach, the clients, and their organizations work in partnership to help achieve the agreed upon goals of the coaching engagement.

8 Things I Learned From Starting My Own Business →

By Arabelle Yee via Huffington Post

One of the questions I get repeatedly asked is “what’s it like to start your own business?” and I can see the clarity the women writing to me are seeking behind that question. I can feel that they’re at a point in their life where they’re ready to come out of the shell and make an impact in the world with their gifts.

I have to say there are a lot of lessons I’ve learned over the years but here are the 8 things that I think will help you the most right now.

1. It’s harder than you can imagine
I don’t mean to start this with a negative but this is more of a reality-check. We tend to fall in love with the idea of building a business but when things get hard, we fall out of love with the process. Business is a test to your commitment, perseverance and it’s going to push you to dig deeper to yourself to face your own fears and insecurities so you can bring out the best in you for your business.

I don’t like the word failure but in reality, some of your ideas or efforts will fail. That’s inevitable. The key here is to be ok with failing, to fail again and again, and fail better next time.

The key here is to be ok with failing, to fail again and again, and fail better next time.

2. Invest in yourself and your business
I see many start-up entrepreneurs, in my case women, who are starting spiritual and heart-centered businesses not valuing in the investment for themselves or their business. The first question I ask is “If you’re not willing to pay for yourself or your business, how can you expect others to pay you for your services?”

Starting a solo business can be a lonely journey. Many women tend to believe they can do it themselves (They can, don’t get me wrong. It just takes a long time) and six months down the line, they find themselves still struggling and spinning the wheels, not getting anywhere with their business. They are needing clarity and a way to break down their big idea into smaller chunks and step-by-step approach to get to where they want to be.

Get a mentor; someone who’s a few steps ahead of you to show you the way to collapse the timelines. Set aside money to put back into your business.

3. Be authentic
Authenticity is about being real — not having variations in the way we act, talk and behave depending on who we are with. It’s about doing what we say we would, being humble and staying aligned to our core values. It’s about being vulnerable and staying truthful without any pretense.

People can sense inauthenticity from a mile away. They might not necessarily be able to pin-point what is ‘off’ about a person but when a person is being inauthentic, people don’t trust them. When you’re authentic, it automatically builds trust and trust is everything in a business.

4. People around you won’t understand
If you’re the only one who’s starting a business, most people around you won’t understand why you’re spending so much time learning, building your business, on the phone or your computer. They won’t understand why you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make this happen.

It’s ok. It’s part of the balance. Sometimes we need them around us so they can be a reminder for us not to get burn-out. We also need naysayers around us too so they give us a little motivation to prove them wrong.

5. Quitting isn’t an option
There’ll be many times things get so hard that we want to take the easy way out. These are the moments that we’re being tested how committed we are with our vision. This is the time we’re reminded that failing isn’t failure, quitting is.

6. Be patient
Rome wasn’t built in a day. It started brick by brick. It’s about celebrating little achievements you get along the way and being present where you are. Every small step you take is going to be the foundation you need in your business.

7. Follow your intuition
Intuition is a big thing for me because for me it’s all about following my heart and listening to my gut. I wrote a blog post about intuition and you can read it here.

8. You can’t please everyone
The truth is, you can’t please everyone. Everyone has their own opinions and demands. If you are going to fulfill other people’s demands, you are cheating on yourself. When you’re living up to someone else’s expectations, you’re failing to live yours. When you’re done pleasing others, you’ll find yourself resenting your decisions and your business because you didn’t get to create what’s aligned to your own values.

Business is one of the best self-development tools. It pushes us to our limits, test our patience, perseverance and commitment. Business isn’t for everyone but if it is for you, don’t wait till the stars are aligned.

Start before you’re ready. Tweak as you go.

If you’re thinking of starting a business as a solopreneur or in the startup phase trying to figure things out on your own and needing the step by step guide, I’ve written a book called Little Business Book: Insider guide to starting a passionate business from scratch. It is a concise guide to help you from starting with the Why to Sales, Marketing and Social Media. You can click here to download for free.

Follow Arabelle Yee on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ArabelleYee

Why Self-Compassion Beats Self-Confidence →

By KRISTIN WONG DEC. 28, 2017 via New York Times

“Be more confident,” a friend once told me as we made the rounds at a swanky networking event where I felt terribly out of place. Faking confidence is easy: I pulled my shoulders back and spoke louder and with more assertiveness.

Like many soft-spoken, mild-mannered people, I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to present myself this way. As it turns out, confidence may be overrated.

“We like confidence because it feels good and gives us a sense of control. The alternative would be constant anxiety,” said Eric Barker, author of “Barking Up the Wrong Tree.”

We live in a culture that reveres self-confidence and self-assuredness, but as it turns out, there may be a better approach to success and personal development: self-compassion. While self-confidence makes you feel better about your abilities, it can also lead you to vastly overestimate those abilities.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, encourages you to acknowledge your flaws and limitations, allowing you to look at yourself from a more objective and realistic point of view. Both have merits, but many experts believe that self-compassion includes the advantages of self-confidence without the drawbacks.

In his book, Mr. Barker asserts that productivity culture often promotes faking confidence without considering these drawbacks. Namely, when you fake it, you may start to believe your own lie, which can lead to disastrous outcomes.

Because confidence feels good “we often don’t notice when it creeps across the line to overconfidence,” Mr. Barker said. This is better known as the Dunning-Kruger effect: a cognitive bias in which you overestimate your ability in something.

But this isn’t to say you have to go around feeling inadequate. Dr. Kristin Neff, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas, suggests a solution to the problem of overconfidence: self-compassion.

“Self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness, care and concern you show a loved one,” Dr. Neff said. “We need to frame it in terms of humanity. That’s what makes self-compassion so different: ‘I’m an imperfect human being living an imperfect life.’”

By that definition, self-compassion is the opposite of overconfidence. Admitting we have flaws just like anyone else keeps us connected to others, Dr. Neff said, and also keeps us from exaggerating our flaws or strengths. Unlike overconfidence, which attempts to hide self-doubt and other pessimistic shortcomings, self-compassion accepts them. Self-compassion, Mr. Barker writes, includes the benefits of confidence without the downside of delusion.

“A lot of people think self-compassion is weak, but it’s just the opposite,” Dr. Neff said. “When you’re in the trenches, do you want an enemy or an ally?” Whereas confidence is aimed at feeling adequate and powerful despite how adequate and powerful you actually are, self-compassion encourages you to accept a more objective reality.

For example, a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology asked people to describe themselves while being recorded on video. Those subjects were then told they would be rated on how likable, friendly and intelligent they seemed in the video. Subjects who had high levels of self-compassion had generally the same emotional reaction no matter how they were rated. By contrast, people with high levels of self-esteem had negative emotional reactions if the feedback was simply neutral and not exceptional. They were also more likely to blame unexceptional ratings on outside factors.

“In general, these studies suggest that self-compassion attenuates people’s reactions to negative events in ways that are distinct from and, in some cases, more beneficial than self-esteem,” the researchers concluded.

Without the pressure to be superhuman, it’s easier to accept feedback and criticism. It’s much harder to learn and improve when you believe you already know everything.

Dr. Neff said resilience may be the most remarkable benefit of self-compassion. In one study, she and her colleagues worked with veterans returning from war in Iraq and Afghanistan. The subjects worked with clinical psychologists who determined that nearly half of the group (42 percent) experienced symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Using a 26-item self-report questionnaire that included statements like, “I’m tolerant of my own flaws and inadequacies,” Dr. Neff and her colleagues rated subjects’ level of self-compassion. The study concluded that the more self-compassionate veterans were, the less severe their PTSD symptoms were.

Dr. Neff added that self-compassionate people also tend to ruminate less because they can “break the cycle of negativity” by accepting their own imperfections.

Still, of course, there are many benefits to being confident, even if it’s a put-on. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that simply appearing more confident makes people believe you deserve more respect and admiration, possibly helping you reach higher social status. Another study published in Plos One found that when people are overconfident, others overrate them as smarter and more skilled. In other words, there’s something to the “fake it until you make it” phenomenon.

But self-compassion and acceptance can offer a whole suite of other benefits: It’s easier for self-compassionate people to improve on those mistakes, failures or shortcomings because they view them more objectively. Research shows self-compassion is an effective motivator in this way.

Self-compassionate people are better at owning up to their mistakes. Juliana Breines and Serena Chen of the University of California at Berkeley conducted a series of experiments to measure the effect of self-compassion on personal growth. In one study, they asked people to think about something they’ve done that made them feel guilty (lying to a partner, for example). From there, subjects were assigned to a group: self-compassion, self-esteem control or positive distraction control. The self-compassion group had to write to themselves “from a compassionate and understanding perspective.”

The self-esteem group was instructed to write about their own positive qualities, and the positive distraction group was asked to write about a hobby they enjoyed. According to the study, those who practiced self-compassion were more motivated to admit and apologize for their mistake than people in the self-esteem group or positive distraction group. The self-compassion group was also more committed to not repeating their mistakes.

What’s more, self-compassion has been shown to help people better empathize with others. Dr. Neff and her colleague, Tasha Beretvas at the University of Texas at Austin, have found that people rate self-compassionate partners as more caring and supportive than self-critical ones. So if your partner points out a flaw, you’ll do better to accept it and forgive yourself than beat yourself up and dwell on it.

Pulling your shoulders back is easy. Learning to be kind to yourself takes considerably more effort. In his book, Mr. Barker suggests a few ways to embrace self-compassion: Accept that you’re human, recognize your failures and frustrations, and avoid dwelling on mistakes.

“The first and most important thing to do is to notice that voice in your head – that running commentary we all have as we go about our lives,” Mr. Barker said. “Often that voice is way too critical. You beat yourself up for every perceived mistake. To be more self-compassionate, you need to notice that voice and correct it.”

That doesn’t mean lying to yourself, Mr. Barker says, but rather changing the way you talk to yourself. It may help to imagine the way a loved one would talk to you about your mistakes, then switch that voice out for a more supportive one. Keep in mind, however, that the harsh critic in your head is not your enemy. This is a common misconception that can make things worse, Dr. Neff said, because that voice is a survival mechanism that’s intended to keep you safe.

“Don’t beat yourself up for beating yourself up,” she said. “We just need to learn to make friends with our inner critic.”

Kristin Wong is a freelance writer and the author of “Get Money.”

The Power of Pause →

By Dan Burrier & Petra Nemeth, Senior Faculty at the Institute for Personal Leadership

In our work with leaders at all levels in all types of organizations, one of the most frequent questions we get is how to handle difficult conversations with colleagues, bosses and direct reports. No surprise, right? Everyday business is packed with opportunities for disagreement, challenge and confrontation — all of which can produce dread, discomfort and sometimes a sick little feeling in the stomach. In an effort to navigate our emotions, we may often unconsciously engage in undesirable behavior such as avoidance, submission or dominance.

This is hardly the best way to get the best out of ourselves, or the best out of situations. It is certainly a recipe for disaster in our desire to collaborate and innovate.

We teach several techniques and principles for mastering difficult conversations, and the simplest among these is what we call hitting the “Pause Button.” Hitting the Pause Button is simply creating a bit of space and time — a pause in the action — in which to find a more productive and peaceful resolution. Pausing is a way to release tension. It is a way to give yourself and the other person a chance to breathe, to reflect, and to regain composure. It is a chance for one or both of you to connect with the positive possibilities that are present in the dialog, rather than being driven by quick judgements, instincts or emotions.

Why is this valuable? Psychological studies show that when we are stricken by upsetting emotions or when we react using instinct alone, we are often prey to limiting thoughts: “He just doesn’t get it!”, “This will never work!”, “Why do they never listen to me?”. These limiting thoughts, if we act upon them, lead to speech or behavior that we may regret later. In fact, in our executive coaching activities, one of the most common challenges coachees cite is their reactivity – their impulsive response to high-pressure situations. Hitting the Pause Button helps you clear your inner space so you can operate again from a place of wisdom. This is at the core of our Personal Leadership method — to learn to approach your highest potential in all moments of life and leadership.
 
Hitting the Pause Button:

Pause:
 
Remember Mom’s adage of counting to 10? She was right. Simply slow down your response. Take a breath — or two, or three. Count if it helps. Wait before responding, or don’t respond at all, which gives the other party in the conversation a chance to hear what they said, clarify further, or perhaps even pull back from a heated exchange.
 
Pause:
 
Ask for time. Try: “I need some time to think about this. Can we talk about it after our next meeting?”, “Can we revisit this tomorrow morning when I have more room to consider what you’re saying?”, “This is really important to me; let’s schedule some time to consider it carefully.”
 
Pause:
 
Go for a walk. This technique, a favorite of Steve Jobs, is simply one of changing location and physical orientation. Suggest a walk outside, or say “Hey, do you want to get a cup of coffee?” Sometimes a simple physical change, the act of getting up and moving, can shift the entire feel of the situation.
 
Pause:
 
Redirection. Years after Abraham Lincoln’s death a number of letters written but never sent were discovered among his things. These 18th Century equivalents of flame mails were letters Lincoln wrote to let off steam, addressed to Generals with whom he had conflict or disagreement; letters written and never sent. Today? Try writing that email, but instead of sending it to the person you’re in conflict with, send it to yourself. Look at it tomorrow. Read it as a recipient, not sender. More times than not, you’ll never send that email.

These are just a few of the many ways available to create pause in life and leadership, creating a little bit of space for reflection, consideration, kindness and wisdom. At the core of each technique is a bit of retraining — teaching ourselves that we don’t have to respond instantaneously, and sometimes it’s best not to respond at all. Giving a bit of time and space to ourselves and others can fuel collaboration, build trust and strengthen teams. It can create durable and rewarding work relationships, perhaps even friendships.

Try hitting the Pause Button now and then. Get a cup of coffee. Get up. Go for a walk. Reschedule. The situation — just like the show on your streaming TV feed — will be there when you get back. We promise.

A provocative question to consider: Is it possible to hit someone else’s Pause Button? We’d love to hear your thoughts at contact@personalleadership.com.

Are You Coachable? →

By Toddi Gutner, via entrepreneur.com

"Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you believe the Emerson quote above, then every one of us could use a coach. In spite of the difficulty in finding hard data supporting the efficacy of executive coaching, most everyone who has ever had a coach swears by the experience.

"I combine my emotional intelligence, experience and understanding of business with [good] coaching, and the result is magic," says Tom Walter, a serial entrepreneur and founding partner of Tasty Catering, an award-winning Chicago-area corporate catering and events planning company.

The way Walter sees it, the more he taps external and internal coaching resources, the better. To that end, Walter engages in several different networks for ideas, feedback and advice -- from his millennial staffers who help him tap into current market shifts, to his independent group of nine advisors, to his membership in several associations, as well as a peer mentor group, among others. "I rarely override them, because their ideas are about what's good for business -- a solid financial basis, strong market share, et cetera," says Walter. 

Not surprisingly, entrepreneurs aren't always the easiest coaching candidates. And yet, "Ask pretty much any executive, and they'll likely be able to tell you things they would like to improve about themselves and/or their company in a heartbeat," says Michele Michaelis, chief executive officer of IvySage Education LLC, an online interactive tutoring service. "Most of us also realize that we probably have blind spots -- areas for improvement that we are not even aware of," says Michaelis.

Indeed, the requirement of a leader to become more self-aware happens as a company grows and the entrepreneur needs to delegate and depend on other people. At that point, "It becomes critical to understand who I am, what I do best, what I don't do well," says Robert Holland, Ph.D., chairman and CEO of Vistage Michigan, an executive coaching and peer-to-peer advisory group organization.

"When I share [that information] with a coach, two of us are working on the problem rather than one," he says. A coach also helps give leaders a balanced view of their performance, and helps them develop clear professional development goals. But just what does it take to be coachable? How do you get started?

• Take a risk. This kind of a risk is different than the type of risk it takes to start a company. Many coaching newbies are concerned about losing themselves or their company direction as a result of too much external advice. But keep an open mind and realize this is a new experience that may be out of your comfort zone. Give yourself six months as a tryout period.
   
• Identify areas of growth. If you're comfortable, ask those closest to you (not necessarily work cohorts) for feedback on areas that you would like to develop -- it could be driving an effective meeting, making public presentations, or managing and motivating employees.
   
• Choose wisely. "Relationships work best when the coach's style and experience matches the needs and preferences of the leader," says Rick Miller, executive coach and author/founder of All-In Leadership. Ask for recommendations from executives and business owners who've been coached. Find someone who's an expert in the areas where your company is struggling. Regularity of interaction can range from weekly to monthly to periodically, based on need.
   
• Remember the 'iceberg' rule of feedback. "If you show that you're willing, able and eager to accept criticism and advice, the coach will be more comfortable giving you the whole story (the full iceberg), versus just a bit of feedback (the tip of the iceberg)," says Michaelis. Listen carefully and ask clarifying questions. Make sure you're being very open to new ideas and fully understanding and considering the feedback and suggestions.

"Once you've worked with a coach and trust her, ask her to address any other issues that she sees -- what are your blind spots and how might they be holding you back?" says Michaelis.

Keep in mind that while you should listen carefully and consider ideas with an open mind, if the rationale for an idea doesn't make sense, always trust your instincts.

What An In-House Career Coach Can Do For Your Company

It’s not just about how your employees perform at work–it’s about how they do at life.

BY KC IFEANYI  3 MINUTE READ

Much can be said for the benefits of having a career coach, but Deb Weidenhamer, founder and CEO of Auction Systems, has taken things a step further at her company by hiring a full-time, in-house coach for her employees. “I’ve always been someone who believes in coaching and trying to improve your skills,” Weidenhamer says. “I had a business coach who was with me for about 10 years. I actually ended up hiring him as the president of my firm, so I had to find a new coach!”

Deb Weidenhamer

But Auction System’s in-house coach, who’s been with the company for six years, doesn’t stop at career guidance. He’s also there to help Weidenhamer’s employees navigate their personal lives as well with things like budgeting, quitting smoking, and even relationship counseling.

“It’s something that makes such a difference for anyone to have a coach who’s trying to help you achieve business goals but also help you achieve life goals, and I don’t think they’re really separate from each other–we work during our lives,” Weidenhamer says.

Weidenhamer recently spoke with Fast Company about the benefits of having an in-house career/life coach at your company, and shares some of the personal advice she’s received to become a better leader.

CREATING A CARING ENVIRONMENT FOR YOUR EMPLOYEES

“I think it’s probably one of the biggest differentiators for us when we’re hiring into our company as to why candidates accept the position. I think they get really excited about the prospect of having someone help them move toward being better. It also pays off in terms of retention. It’s something that most people aren’t going to get when they go to a new company.”

ACCOUNTABILITY MATTERS

“The one thing that has certainly been shown time and time again through various studies is that when there’s accountability with something we’re working on, whether it’s through a friend or a coach, our ability to achieve goals goes up substantially–when we have someone who is asking about it and holding us accountable to the things we said we want.”

CATCHING (CONFIDENTIAL) ISSUES EARLY TO AVOID DISASTER LATER

“When someone has hit a bad streak or isn’t feeling challenged by their job, oftentimes coaches can get a hold of the situation long before it manifests itself into a big problem that’s going to hurt the company. When I hired him I made a deal with him that everything he learned would be confidential to him because I felt without that he wouldn’t get good participation. Who among us hasn’t wanted to kill our boss once in a while?”

HANDING OVER THE WHEEL TO MORE CAPABLE HANDS

“I travel a great deal with the company. We’re a multinational firm, so I live part-time in China. Because we have this role that covers some of what I perceive my responsibility to be, which is to be there for my team if they need help for career or life issues, he’s far more capable of that than me on my best day.”

LEARNING PATIENCE THROUGH COACHING

“Entrepreneurs can be impatient and always want the next biggest, greatest thing. We think everyone should think like that, so a lot of times the frustrations we deal with is the fact that people are not like us. What I’m able to do is get perspective on where someone else is coming from, which is key, and to understand people have different levels of drive–it’s counterbalancing your strengths and weakness with somebody else’s strengths and weaknesses.”

HAVING A SOUNDING BOARD

“We might be working on some strategic changes in the company that maybe I don’t want to take to my executive team yet, so I have a sounding board. One of the things we’re looking at is renaming our company and rebranding. That to me is something I wanted to process through carefully before I went to my executive team to get their input.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

KC covers entertainment and pop culture for Fast Company. Previously, KC was part of the Emmy Award-winning team at "Good Morning America" where he was the social media producer.